There was an ancient practice
of catching your tears of grief in a vessel when someone died. When it was time
to bury or cremate that person your vessel of tears would go with that person.
This past year I cried all of my tears in to baby hats.
In February of last year my
husband and I found out we were expecting. We had only been trying for a couple
of weeks and I was pregnant. We were excited about having our dreams come so
soon, and at the same time frightened at expanding our family and change.
Within a week of finding out I started having complications. It came about that
our precious little one was an ectopic pregnancy. The doctors were never able to locate were my
baby decided to grow, but it was not where it should have been, so it was only
growing at 5 % instead of 100 %. My husband and I had to make the decision to
end my pregnancy. At 11 weeks into making dreams and a new family I took a shot
that would end all those dreams. Then
for another 11 weeks I had to go to the doctor and get my blood taken to watch
my pregnancy numbers go back down to 0.
During all of this time I was
crocheting. I was so excited to start making things for my new little one. I
started making hats, sweaters, little booties. When we found out we would not
be able to keep the baby I could not bring myself to stop. When the grief
became overwhelming I would get out my hook and I would make a hat, some days
that hat would turn into three hats. Often times I could not even see what I
was making for the tears that were dropping on to the hat. After three months I
had two under the bed totes full of baby hats, diaper covers, booties, and
sweaters. After that time I found I did not have to go to my hook so often to
shed my tears.
Now that a year has passed I
am down to just one tote. Some of the hats have been given to friends. Some
have gone to a local hospital. And I have even sold some.
I wanted to tell you dear
friends how much those hats mean to me. I have poured my dreams and prayers
into those hats and I pray that the baby that fills them will grow big and
strong and that they will be cherished and loved. When I give you a hat or
other crochet items, I’m not just giving you something to keep you warm I am
giving you something that has been saturated in prayer and thought for you and
even sometimes tears.
